Humorous Fitness Articles

The Top 10 Most Outrageous Exercises I've Ever Seen

By Nick Nilsson

These 10 exercises are among the absolute WORST examples of exercise technique I have ever witnessed!

In the course of my experience working and training in gyms, I've seen people doing some incredibly "interesting" exercises. Unfortunately, it's usually because these people have not been properly instructed in exercise technique.

Here are some of the top winners. Remember, these are actual exercises that I've seen people do. I made the names of the exercises up to match the lunacy of how they look.

DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME! OR AT THE GYM! OR ANYWHERE!!!

1. Dumbell Hair Combs - Start by holding a dumbell in front of you. Do a front raise with it then whip the dumbell back and over the top of your head like you're combing your hair with it. Make sure to just miss your skull.

2. Hog-tied Face-Rubs - Lie on your stomach on the floor. Grasp your ankles behind your back and rub your face back and forth on the ground repeatedly. Continue until you've had enough.

3. Abdominal Earthquakes - Lie on the floor on your back in the classic start position of a crunch. Now yank as hard as you can on the back of your head up and down and thrash your legs around in the air like you're fending off starving dogs. This evidently works your abs. You will resemble Jello that has just been dropped on the floor. Your face should be as red as a tomato by the time you're done.

4. The Arm Wrecker - Do one cheating, momentum-filled rep of an arm exercise with ridiculously heavy weight then swing your arms around as fast as you can in a circle to get blood to the muscle. This technique will either help your arm grow or will smack the person waiting to use the machine/weights next.

5. Pelvic Demolisher - Stand with your fingers interlocked behind your head. Do a pelvic thrust forward and drop your spinal column down and backwards about 6 inches. This exercise is best done in front of a large group of people.

6. Dumbell Doggy Digs - Bend over at the waist so that your back is rounded completely over like an arch. Your legs should be completely straight and locked out. You should look like you are trying hard to touch your toes but not really succeeding. Hold two dumbells down at arms-length. Now spin them round and round repeatedly just off the floor so that you resemble a dog digging a hole.

7. Pec Rockets - Set the pec deck machine with far too much weight for you to handle safely. Make sure you are very sweaty and slippery before attempting this one. First, use your entire bodyweight to get one arm pad up to the front. Then, throw yourself at the other one to get it to the front. Hold them there for a half-second then get shot four feet out across the floor as you squirt from the machine like a greased banana.

8. Rush-Hour Bench Press - This exercise is done on the vertical seated chest press machine that has a foot pedal to help raise the weight to the starting position. Use this pedal at the bottom of every single rep to bounce the weight back up. Your footwork will resemble that of someone in rush-hour traffic going from 0 to 60 to 0 every 3 seconds.

9. Close-Grip, Behind-The-Neck Shoulder Press - Sit in a shoulder press station, gripping the bar overhead with about 6 inches between your hands. Bring the bar down directly behind your head. Be sure to lean forward 45 degrees and round your back over so that your shoulder joints and lower back each get their fair share of trauma.

10. C.P.R. Bench Press - Start by loading your safe maximum bench press weight onto the bar. Now add 20 more pounds just to be safer. Have your spotter lift the bar off the rack for you. Lower it 2 inches on your own power then allow it to drop and cave in your rib cage. Be sure your spotter is a strong deadlifter before attempting this exercise as you will need them to pull the bar off you at the bottom of every rep. When your spotter has pulled the bar off you after the first rep and is trying to put it back on the racks, yell out "I've got six more reps!"

Remember that this is just a small sample of things I have actually seen people doing. Please be sure when you do your exercises that you take the time to learn proper form and, if you do see someone performing an exercise that is potentially harmful, tactfully assist them.

For more information about exercise technique and errors, go to:

http://hop.clickbank.net/?fitrition/betteru&l=1025

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Nick Nilsson is Vice-President of the online personal training company BetterU, Inc. He has a degree in Physical Education and Psychology and has been inventing new training techniques for more than 16 years. Nick is the author of a number of bodybuilding eBooks including "Metabolic Surge - Rapid Fat Loss," "The Best Exercises You've Never Heard Of," "Gluteus to the Maximus - Build a Bigger Butt NOW!" and "The Best Abdominal Exercises You've Never Heard Of" all available at (http://hop.clickbank.net/?fitrition/betteru). He can be contacted at betteru@fitstep.com.

Bodybuilding Products That SHOULD Be Invented

By Nick Nilsson

Somebody has yet to fill in these "important" gaps in the bodybuilding product world. Enjoy a humorous look at products

that will probably never grace any store shelves but really should.

If you've been training for any length of time, you know there are certain shortcomings in the products that are available at the moment. The following is a list of products that I think someone someone should invent. I think a person could make a million dollars with these ideas!

1. The Gasless Protein Shake

If you're familiar with the gastric rumblings that occur soon after taking a big protein shake, you know how popular this item would be. It will also keep those pesky Environmental Protection Agency people off your back with their "industrial emissions violation" warnings.

2. Bench Press Air Bag Shirt

For the bouncing bencher...helps prevent rib crackage. The air bag inflates automatically when it detects terminal velocity on the bar.

3. The Sweat Alarm

Most useful in a commercial gym, simply attach one of these to each machine. When the electrodes detect sweat left on a machine after a person is done and that person starts to walk away, a loud alarm goes off and pepper sprays them.

4. Self-Cleaning Spit Mirror

This mirror is most useful in front of the squat rack. When a set is done, sensors determine the amount of spit that has appeared on the mirror then sends a squirt of cleaner and a squeegee down the surface.

5. Lister-prot-ine

A combination of Listerine mouth wash and protein powder, this supplement leaves your mouthy minty fresh instead of tasting like nasty rotten milk. Your friends and loved ones will thank you for it!

6. The Smart-A** Weight Belt For The Dumb-A** Trainer With Optional Shock Attachment

Simply put on this belt and sensors with pre-recorded messages tell you in no uncertain terms when you're doing something stupid that you're going to hurt yourself with. The optional shock attachment works like the invisible fence shock collar you put on a dog to keep in in the yard. When you break form, the belt tells you what it thinks of you then sends a sharp shock up your spine. You'll never round your back over when doing squats again!

7. The Timer-Spray Fountain With Backwash Detector

Tired of people taking way too long at the water fountain when there's a line? Tired of people backwashing into it? Fix that with the Timer-Spray Fountain with Backwash Detector. If a person takes too long or if the fountain detects backwash, a spray of water shoots out at the person to make it look like they wet their pants. Curbs annoying behavior very rapidly!

8. The OverFragranced/B.O. Biohazard Shower

This machine operates much like a metal detector/electronic sniffer. As people leave the changeroom, the machine determines whether they're wearing too much cologne or perfume, if they've got rampant B.O. (or Beyond B.O.), or some eye-watering combination of both. Powerful jets of water immediately rinse the excess aroma away.

9. Barbell Curl Rack

This unique rack gives the barbell curlers an option instead of hogging the squat rack. Because it's just too hard to pick up that dang heavy bar all the way from the floor...

10. Ego Alert Siren

This clip-on attachment for barbells (most useful in the bench press) automatically detects the speed of the bar on the way down. If the downward velocity exceeds a certain pre-set limit, the Ego Alert automatically goes off, alerting everyone in the immediate 10 square mile radius that you're trying to use more weight than you should be. Also available: optional laugh track to discourage further Alerts.

11. Chicken Leg Filler Pants

Designed for those sporting the always trendy "riding-a-chicken" look, these pants for the "upper-body-only" trainer are stuffed with high-density foam padding to make your legs look proportioned to the rest of your body. Great for fending off attack dogs, too.

12. GPS Workout Enforcer

This gadget utilizes Global Positioning satellites and beacons attached to the equipment in your gym to track your location in the gym and remind you when you've been neglecting certain tiny, little nuisance bodyparts such as your entire lower body.

If you do happen to take any of the ideas and run with them, you're certainly welcome to share the proceeds!

Nick Nilsson is Vice-President of the online personal training company BetterU, Inc. He has a degree in Physical Education and Psychology and has been inventing new training techniques for more than 16 years. Nick is the author of a number of bodybuilding eBooks including "Metabolic Surge - Rapid Fat Loss," "The Best Exercises You've Never Heard Of," "Gluteus to the Maximus - Build a Bigger Butt NOW!" and "The Best Abdominal Exercises You've Never Heard Of" all available at (http://hop.clickbank.net/?mfactor/betteru). He can be contacted at betteru@fitstep.com.

The Complete Gym Personality Guide - Part 2

By Nick Nilsson

From the Hindenburg to the Fountainhead to Mr. Sweaty Bench, these are more of the people that you meet when you're lifting at the gym.

Continued from Part 1, you're sure to recognize many, if not all, of these personalities from the gym.

1. Taking Up Space

If you've been to a gym and watched somebody just kind of standing around looking lost, then you've seen this type. They work their way slowly from one end of the gym to the other, getting in the way and doing a few half-hearted dumbell curls every 10 minutes.

2. The Copycat

You can have some fun with the Copycat. When you notice them watching what you're doing (because you know they're going to copy you), do something extremely goofy and pretend that it works incredibly well. Chances are, when you've moved on to your next exercise, the Copycat is going to try it. Just like dueling banjos.

3. The Hindenburg

If you're having gastrointenstinal difficulties, don't do squats (or sit-ups). That just doesn't work out well for anybody. The humanity.

4. The Wannabe Powerlifter

Powerlifting is a tremendous sport. Watching somebody who is trying to powerlift but doesn't know how and is doing it all wrong can be tremendously funny. If you've ever watched somebody cinch a belt up so tight they look like a wasp then do a knee-buckling quarter squat with way too much weight, you know what I'm talking about.

5. The Pro

"There is only one right way to do things and everything else everybody does is all wrong and I'm the only who knows what they're doing and if you don't like it I'm going to take my dumbells and go home."

6. The Ignorant Personal Trainer

Every gym has them and I don't have any idea how they slip through the cracks. They teach bad exercises and poor form to unfortunate clients who just don't know any better. Then they answer their cell phone while they're spotting!

7. Fountainhead

Stop hogging the water fountain and let someone else have a turn! Fill up your water bottle at home - don't stand there for five minutes while the trickle from the fountain slowly fills your gallon jug. That goes double for backwashing into the fountain.

8. Mr. Sweaty Bench

If you sweat so much that you slide off the back end a FLAT bench when you lie down, bring a towel, for crying out loud! And please, please, PLEASE wipe it off when you're done. Don't make me have to invent a standing bench press exercise.

9. The Inventor

Sometimes new exercises or techniques work and sometimes they land you right on your head. The Inventor will get back up and try again, sometimes performing the most incredibly effective movements you've never seen. I know because I am an Inventor! But put together a bad Inventor and a Copycat and you've got trouble!

10. The Houseguest

If you've ever seen someone walk into the gym carrying a gym bag big enough to stash a body in and full of so much stuff that they could live on an island for a month, you've seen the Houseguest at work. Three hours later, when they leave the gym, they even have the keys to lock up.

11. Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

No need to carry that dumbell to your bench, just roll it! After all, that's why they're round, right?

12. Beyond B.O.

It's not a crime to take a shower. If a cloud follows you around like Pig Pen in the Charlie Brown comics, you may want to look into that bathing thing.

You can read Part 1 of "Gym Personalities" at the following link:

http://hop.clickbank.net/?fitrition/betteru&l=1051

The Complete Gym Personality Guide - Part 1

By Nick Nilsson

From the Obsessive Compulsive Rep Counter to Leisure Suit Larry in Gym Shorts, these are the people that you meet whenyou're lifting.

Sometimes, when a person sets foot inside the gym, they turn into a whole other person. If you've been to pretty much any gym in the world, you are sure to recognize the people you're about to read about...

1. Smell Me Madge, I Soaked In It.

You can detect this person coming before they even set foot inside the door of the gym. Little tip: it's fine to wear a little perfume or cologne to the gym but don't soak your clothes in it. Have a shower instead.

2. Obsessive Compulsive Rep Counter

Like a meditation mantra, the numbers get counted until the specific magic number has been reached. To really have some fun, stand behind this person as they do their set and start saying random numbers out loud as they count.

3. Leisure Suit Larry In Gym Shorts

Looking for love in all the wrong places. Often a colgne-soaker and always on the prowl, even constant and harsh rejection from every single female he encounters (including the potted plants) doesn't seem to slow Larry down.

4. Don't Make Me Lift That Heavy Thing

If you've ever watched someone monopolize the 2-pound neoprene dumbells for 20 minutes, you've seen this person in action. Fear of developing massive, icky-looking, veiny muscles from even looking at anything heavier than a Rice Krispie Treat keeps this person away from the weights that actually have numbers written on them. I've seen a person like this straining with a novelty dumbell pen.

5. You Don't Need A Jack For That Car Now That I'm Here

Cinch that weight belt up until you look like a big red Pop 'n Fresh doughboy in a corset, it's time to do 3 inch, hunched-over, bowl-legged, shaky-leg squats! There's something to be said for lifting within your means (and for not cinching your weight belt up so tight that you c--p yourself during a set).

6. Where's The Ashtray For This Treadmill?

You can always spot the person who's at the gym against their will and under doctors orders. They are doing as little as possible as slowly as possible and are always looking for somebody to work in with them so that they can stop.

7. The Bouncy Bench Press Crew

Young males travelling in packs of 3 or more, hogging the bench press for uncounted sets of trampoline-like reps with far too much weight while their training partners yell "it's all you" as though it really is. I hear the concave chest look is "in" this year...

8. Please Don't Wear That

Some people simply should NOT wear spandex and I can't figure out why they do. I'll leave it at that.

9. The Brick Wall

No matter how much anybody tells this person that the exercise they're doing is going to shatter their spine, they continue to pig-headedly do it anyway because their 9th grade gym teacher taught it to them 26 years ago.

10. The Beast

You'll often see this person banging their head against the concrete wall to psych themselves up for a set because "drywall is just too soft."

11. The Mountain Man

Apparently, he just walked in from taking down some trees in the backcountry and didn't have time to change out of his dirty sweatpants, flannel shirt and work boots before heading to the gym.

12. The Gym Bunny

If you're not in the gym for a serious workout, but to set the stair machine on 1 and try desperately hard not to sweat and mess up your precious hair and makeup, hop yourself out the door. Leisure Suit Larry is hanging out in the parking lot waiting someone... ANYONE.

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A Bitingly Sarcastic Look at Useless Supplements and Worthless Training Equipment

By Nick Nilsson

Read hilarious and brutally honest reviews of some of the

worst supplements and exercise equipment on the market today.

Infomercials, stupid ads, terrible products and useless supplements are here to stay. Just because they're there doesn't mean we have to buy them. But it does mean we can (and should) have a laugh at their expense...

Please keep in mind, these are my own opinions, with which you might agree or disagree. I may change my mind about these things in the future but I will still be right.

1. Cortisol-Reducing Fat Loss Supplements

Ads for cortisol-reducing pills are all over the place these days. Cortislim, Relacore, CortAid, Cortisyn, Cortless in Seattle, I Can't Believe I'm Not Cortisolless, etc.

I have nothing but "respect" for a company that shamelessly shames people into buying their product by telling them they're a "member of the unhappiest club on Earth - the overweight club." I think it's wonderful how the cure to stress-related fat gain can be found in a glorified Vitamin C pill. The people peddling this stuff like that need to be knocked on the head WITH an overweight club.

Relacore's strategy? Herbal relaxants make you less reactive to stress so you don't secrete as much cortisol and therefore lose weight. Great theory! At least unlike other substances that make you "herbally relaxed," it doesn't give you the munchies.

I don't know about you, but I'm just plain sick and tired of products that say "Let's treat the symptoms and not the root cause! That way, people will have to stay on this stuff forever or all the weight will come back on because NOTHING ELSE HAS CHANGED IN THEIR LIFE." What a genius of a marketing technique. It's like putting a band-aid over your nose when you have a head cold. Sure, it stops your nose from running, but when the band-aid comes off, you're going to be up to your elbows in it.

2. The Ab Lounge

This is a "fabulous" new ab exerciser that's making the infomercial rounds. It claims to allow you to develop six-pack abs while lying in a reclined position. Just fold yourself up like a human omelette - it's just that easy! It's basically a Craftmatic adjustable bed without the mattress or the motor.

Unfortunately, the function of the rectus abdominus (the six-pack area of the abs) is spinal flexion (curling the spine forward) not hip flexion (bending at the waist like this machine forces you to do). Sit-ups work the abs isometrically (without movement) through hip flexion like this as well.

Don't waste your money on this unless you want to have somebody you don't like sit in it and be folded in half as a practical joke. They should have designed this thing with a clothes hanger built in to save everybody the time.

3. Carbohydrate or Fat Blocking Pills

Here's a newsflash - if you have to block your body from digesting something, maybe you shouldn't have put it down your gullet in the first place. And besides, what do you think happens to undigested, unused stuff like that as it makes its way through your digestive system? Bingo. Your body puts it out the back door in a "green apple quickstep" hurry.

If the focus of your diet is on getting away with as much as possible, you're simply not going to succeed in the long run. But on the bright side, at least you'll be able to catch up on some reading by spending half your day in the bathroom.

4. Electric Ab Belts

If you don't already know how useless these things are, let me be the first to tell you how useless these things are. They won't even keep your pants UP (at least a regular belt will do that much) much less help you make them looser.

You can't see your abs unless you burn fat. You don't burn fat by making muscles twith for a few minutes. If you really want to lose weight using this thing, hook up the electrodes to a metal knife and fork and try and eat with them.

5. Fat-Loss Creams

A topical fat-loss cream that actually worked would be a dream come true for so many people. Too bad they stink and I'm not just talking about the smell.

What would it take to convince me that one of these worked? Have a test subject use it on only HALF of their body. If they look like a stitched-together "before and after" picture, I'd believe something was happening there (heck, that's a good enough idea that I might just try it on myself someday!).

You want a fat-loss cream that works? Smear some fresh Wasabe (Japanese hot sauce - kind of like biting down a hot chili pepper) on EVERYTHING you eat. I can guarantee you'll lose fat because soon you'll hardly be able to eat anything!

6. Massive Weight Gain Formulas

It's always struck me as ironic that all the "massive weight gain" formulas show pictures of big, LEAN bodybuilders on the front. I guess the big, fat, bloated reality of it just wouldn't sell. Do we really need 3000 calories in a serving of anything?

If a supplement comes in a 40 pound bag and, if it was taken according to directions, this bag would last you only 2 weeks, it's no longer a supplement...it's an alternative source of natural gas (if you or anyone you know has tried these supplements, you'll know EXACTLY what I mean!).

A number of years ago, the "Weider" supplement company did a research study on its "Mega Mass" weight gainer and saw an impressive increase in bodyweight. What they didn't include in their big glossy ads (for obvious reasons) was that people who took an equal number of calories in the form of TABLE SUGAR gained exactly the same amount of weight and muscle mass!

I'll let you draw your own conclusions but at least Hardee's restaurant, with their new 1500 calorie fat-burger bomb, isn't trying to fool people into thinking it's good for them. I can respect that honesty. If you bite into that hamburger thinking it's going to do you any good in any way, shape or form, then push the meat back in as it slides out the back of the sandwich and go buy your cardiologist a nice Christmas present.

7. Ready-To-Drink Protein Shakes

I want to shake the hand of whoever it was that first came to the realization that people will gladly pay FOUR TIMES AS MUCH for the exact same protein powder if you just add the water for them. He or she is a marketing genius.

8. "Proprietary" Supplement Formulas

"Proprietary" can be a very "clean" way of saying "we don't want to tell you how LITTLE there is of anything useful in this product so we'll call it a 'secret' and not tell you."

Granted not all proprietary formulas are like this - some are legitimate and useful. But if a product comes in a small 1000 mg capsule, and has 18 ingredients in it, I suggest you find out the effective doses of each of those ingredients. They may be included and listed just to make the product look good.

For example, Phosphatidylserine is an excellent (and scientifically-proven) cortisol-reducing supplement. It's included in many cortisol-blocking formulas. But consider this: an effective dose is 800 mg. If you can explain how they can possibly fit an 800 mg dose in a 1000 mg pill that has 17 other ingredients in it, I want you doing my taxes next year. On second thought, maybe not...

9. The Majority of Informercially-Sold Exercise Equipment

Normally, I don't like to make blanket statements about entire classes of exercise equipment but then again, sometimes I do. Bottom line, much of the stuff sold on TV and infomercials is just simply plastic-and-elastic junk pedalled to desperate people looking for a quick fix.

I'm sure this does not really come as a terribly mind-blowing, earth-shattering shock to you.

Until I watched these commercials a few times, I really never realized how much of an awful hardship it was to lie down on the floor and do a regular crunch. What a fool I was. Wouldn't our hunting and gathering ancestors be proud.

And judging by the demonstrators on TV, some people can't apparently even do a crunch without wrenching on their neck like they're trying to pull their head out of something (or someplace - I'll let you figure out where that might be).--

Conclusion:

The world will never be without terrible supplements or lousy exercise equipment. As long as there's a buck to be made off of people's laziness and insecurity, those things will exist. Your best defense is knowledge, a willingness to do what's necessary, and a good sense of humor when these things get just too stupid to believe!

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RANT - Move over Dennis Miller--I've Got Some Things To Say About Health, Fitness and Nutrition

By Nick Nilsson

You might laugh, you might get angry and you may not agree with me at all but I've got some stuff on my mind that I

need to get out that I think you'll appreciate.

Rant #1 - Why Does Everything Makes Us Fat Or Causes Cancer?

It seems like we can't eat or drink anything these days without being told it'll make us fat or cause cancer.

We try to eat canned tuna to eat less fat and we get mercury poisoning. We eat fruit and vegetables for the vitamins and fiber and the pesticides give us tumors. We eat chicken and we get mad chicken disease and now farm-raised salmon will give you swine flu. Wine is either good or bad for you depending on whether you eat it with cheese or with crackers!

What ever happened to the good old days when we got fat from eating too much pie and we got sick from eating too much paint off the walls? Now I hear you can get cancer from worrying about getting cancer.

Rant #2 - Low-Carb Beer

Do beer companies seriously believe that they can get people to believe that they're selling diet beer? With all their talk about who has 1 gram less carbs in a tablespoon than the other, they seem to forget that it's actually the ALCOHOL in their product that makes you fat!

Not only does alcohol basically snuff out your fat-burning enzymes, it's also preferentially stored as fat and seriously messes up your body's production of muscle-building hormones such as testosterone.

I guess saying "low-carb" does sound better than saying "watered-down." Next they'll be adding caffeine and Gatorade to it and be calling it "high-performance beer."

Rant #3 - "Nutrient of the Week" Bandwagon Marketing

Did you hear? Froot Loops are now healthy because they contain added calcium! They contain added calcium because someone decided to add a big bag of chalk to the sugary goop they make it out of. You can now feed it to your sugar-crazed A.D.D. kids with a clear conscience because it's now healthy for them because it has CALCIUM.

I'm waiting for the day when a clever marketer takes a piece of plain blackboard chalk and sells it as a "Calcium Stir Stick" for your coffee.

I also just love it when a product that's been around for 30 years suddenly proclaims it's now "fat free" or "low-carb" even though it's always been and everybody knows it. "Fat Free" or "Low-Carb" water is not the revolutionary product it's made out to be.

But what really takes the cake are vitamin companies that proudly jump on the nutrient bandwagon crying "See! We've had it all along!" when their pills are so tightly compressed and unabsorbable you can still read the brand stamp on them when they come out the other end (I have it on good authority from a certain Port-o-Potty specialist I know)!

Rant #5 - Making Low-Carb Foods Out Of Foods That Shouldn't Be Low-Carb

Orange juice just shouldn't be low-carb. I don't care what they say. If I want low-carb orange juice I'll add my own water instead of paying the juice company to add it for me and charge me extra for the privilege. That's all I have to say about that.

Rant #6 - Trying to Pass Unhealthy Foods Off As Healthy

Pork Rinds Lite - now with 25% less fat, sodium, cholesterol, lead and cyanide.

Even if you take some token percentage of the bad stuff out of a bad food, it's still going to be a bad food. It's like buying reduced fat lard - it's still lard. It just has a nicer name now. Anyway, it's so easy to reduce the fat in a serving by making the serving smaller, what's the point? Who's going to sit down and eat just 3 cheese doodles?

When I eat a food I know is bad, I know it's bad but sometimes I'm just going to eat it anyway. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to sue you for making unhealthy food. Nobody is putting a gun to my head to eat it. I don't believe for a second that slightly reducing the "perceived naughtiness" of a food somehow now makes it "healthy." So please don't try and sugarcoat this delicious garbage unless it's for flavor.

Rant #7 - The Amazing Diet Patch

The only way you'll lose weight with the Diet Patch is if you put it over your mouth. 'Nuff said.

Rant #8 - Expensive Urine and Other Supplement Bashing

There are doctors even to this day who believe that taking vitamins will only result in expensive urine. They believe that you can get all the vitamins and minerals you need in a balanced diet. Unfortunately, the only balanced diet some people get is when they're trying to carry 3 dishes to the table in one hand.

Jumping straight to prescribing costly drugs to mask symptoms to people who are probably just desperately in need of basic nutrition is the epitome of expensive urine, in my opinion.

And then there's creatine. You may remember the buzz a few years ago when some of the "don't-confuse-us-with-the-facts" media jumped on a story about the deaths of some high school wrestlers. They were taking creatine to improve their performance so obviously it must have killed them. It certainly wasn't because they were taking long steam baths in rubber suits and exercising intensely without drinking adequate water in order to desperately make weight for a wrestling meet. It must have been the horrible supplement that did it because nobody has ever died from catastrophic dehydration or heat stroke, right?

Let me clarify - there is nothing dangerous about creatine. It's a natural substance already found in your body in quantity. It's found in every piece of meat that you eat. The only way creatine could hurt you is if someone drops a bucket of it on your foot.

Supplements only seem to make the news when somebody has something bad to say about them, regardless of whether it's true or not.

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RANTS #2 - I've Got More To Say And There's No Stopping Me Now!

By Nick Nilsson

I've got more things to say about health, fitness, nutrition

and the stupid things that seem to happen with them all the

time. Whether you agree or disagree, you'll have something

to think about.

Nothing gets on my nerves more than things being passed off as something they're not, especially when it comes to health and fitness. If you've read my previous rants (http://hop.clickbank.net/?xxxxx/betteru&l=1049), you know exactly what I'm talking about. Now I've got even more stuff on my mind.

1. "Eat Whatever You Want And Still Lose Weight" Fat Loss Pills and Carb Blockers

What a wonderful message to send to the millions of people out there trying to lose weight. You don't need to watch what you eat or exercise...just take this little pill and you can eat frosted Twinkies stuffed with hot dogs and not gain a pound.

Never mind what all this terrible stuff is doing to your insides, there's also the vicious cycle of loss and regain that diet pill manufacturers build their entire businesses on: you eat like crap so you get fat then you take a pill so you can keep eating like crap while losing weight. When you don't take the pill and continue to eat like crap, you get fat and depressed and need to take the pills again. What better way to sell something than to create a physical and emotional dependence on it!

Now I'm not saying the general population shouldn't know better than to fall for this but there is a reason that toothpicks and shampoo come with instructions on the back and why hair dryers come with warning not to operate while standing in a pool of water.

Here's a thought, and pardon me if I'm out of line, if you can't eat it unless you take a pill to stop it from being digested by your body, perhaps maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't be eating it in the first place...

2. "Certified" Personal Trainers Who Have No Business Training People

When I say this, I want you to know I've got nothing against certified personal trainers - I am one! I just don't like watching a "certified trainer" make a trusting beginner do Behind-The-Neck Close Grip Lunging One-Arm Upright Bent-Over Swinging Barbell Presses while he or she stands there and counts the number of times the weight moves up and down.

It takes a little more than a two-hour seminar and a polo shirt with the name of the gym printed on the front to make a person a qualified personal trainer.

3. Fitness Instructors Who Eat Donuts In Front of Clients

Just because you're 20 years old and could metabolize vulcanized rubber doesn't mean you should eat a bag of chips or donuts in front of people who are desperately trying to lose weight by taking a class that you are teaching and who are looking to you as a role model! If you want to eat junk, fine, just do it on your own time. When your habits catch up with you in a few years (and they will), there will always be fat loss pills and carb blockers to fall back on...

4. Weight-Loss-Due-To-Illness Envy

Have you ever been really, really sick, dropped 10 or 20 pounds in a week, then had some knucklehead come up to you afterward and say "I wish I could get sick like you so I could lose weight."

Start with the fat in your head! How come these people never get their wish?

5. Sad But True - Sh** Yourself Thin

Another brilliant way to lose weight. Take laxatives with every meal so that you don't keep ANYTHING in you for longer than a few minutes. Just go eat 3-day-old fast food cheeseburgers every meal - you'll get the same general effect.

6. Losing Weight By Wearing Lighter and Lighter Clothing Every Time You Weigh Yourself

This is just kind of funny but I've seen it happen. Start by wearing heavy winter clothing and weigh yourself. Next week, take off the jacket - you've lost 5 pounds! Congratulations! Go with the snow pants next week. Another 3 pounds. The sweater goes next - 2 more pounds. When you get down to pajama bottoms and a tank top, be careful...you may have to start exercising :)

7. Food That's Only 10% Real

How can a juice call itself a juice if it's only got 10% real juice? Can I pay for the juice with 10% real money? How come they don't advertise it as 90% fake? Some say it's half empty, some say it's half full. I say it's only 10% real. Who's to say who's right?

8. The Diet Patch Again Because It's Just So Stupid

I just saw another ad for this thing the other day. "Burn 500 calories an hour!" If you think your metabolism is going to go that fast from a simple, useless patch, get yourself to the emergency room. Sign a blank check and hand it to them. Tell them to do whatever they want to you because you'll believe whatever they tell you.

9. Cereal Bars "With All The Nutrition of a Bowl of Cereal"

And all the high fructose corn syrup of a can of Coke. And all the fiber of a piece of gum. And all the preservatives of a jar of jelly. If they want to impress me, they should base these cereal bars on cereals that are actually GOOD for you to start with!

10. Women Appearing in "Shape" Magazine Who Have Never Touched a Weight in Their Life.

I guess when they say "shape" they really don't specify exactly what "shape" that may be. Marshmallows have shape. Twinkies have shape. There may be women out there who aspire to the ideal of not having any muscle tone, but they probably aren't buying this magazine - they're using it to prop up the short leg of their couch.

Call me crazy but I think a magazine that is about health and fitness should have pictures of people who are actually healthy and fit.

11. Low Carb Hershey Bars

The day I saw one of these on the candy rack was the day I knew the low-carb craze had truly gone too far. Eating low-carb is not about carefully plotting out how crappy you can eat while still keeping your carb count low, as many food manufacturers seem to think.

Eating low-carb is about improving your health and lowering your bodyfat by eating naturally low-carb foods, not about how many grams of the sugar alcohol "gottapoopitol" you can cram into some nasty, chewy, foul-tasting imitation chocolate bar.

12. Supplement Companies That Disguise Their Bottles As Prescription Medication

While some companies rely on fancy pictures and hype to sell their products, other companies make the packaging generic and resembling a powerful prescription medication. Guess what? The stuff still doesn't work. It just looks like it does.

When is a fat loss pill worth $150 a bottle? When the bottle is stuffed with 5 twenties and a fifty.

13. People Who Jump On A Diet Bandwagon Then Bash Others For Not Eating Like They Do

My thanks to Dustin J. for giving me the idea for this one:

Just because you are eating low-carb doesn't mean that everybody else in the world is an idiot when they bite into an apple. Eating low-carb certainly works. So does eating low fat. Heck, you could lose weight on an all-chocolate diet because you'll get so sick of it you won't want to eat it any more.

Eat what you want to eat but don't hack on others for stuff you were doing just last week. Are we going to have to start dividing up restaurants into "Carb" and "Non-Carb" sections like with smoking?

If you feel you need to eat entire packages of Jimmy Dean sausage for breakfast, lunch and dinner because "you can," then just keep it to yourself. Trust me on this...nobody who is watching you stuff your face with buttered bacon wants to hear about how the apple they just ate is going to make them fat and kill them.

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The Absolute Worst, Most Incredibly Terrible Workout I've Ever Witnessed In My Entire Life!

By Nick Nilsson

You have never seen exercise techniques this bad...This is a story about a workout that I witnessed somebody perform about 10 years ago in a university gym in Canada. It's a true story (just ask the ambulance driver!).

Now, if you've spent any time in a gym, you've probably seen people using exercise form that is less than perfect. What I was about to watch, however, was the most atrocious exercise technique I've ever seen in all my years of training.

Let's begin...

It was about 1 in the afternoon and I was just starting into my workout when I noticed "Dave" (not his real name) lay down on the bench adjacent to the one I was on. Like me, he was doing flat barbell bench press that day.

He was fairly short, medium build, wearing a tank top to show off what he plainly thought was a magnificent physique. It wasn't, let me tell you that right now.

"Dave" proceeded, without an ounce of warm-up, to load 225 pounds on the bar. He convinced some poor sap to spot for him then took the weight off the rack. It dropped straight down onto his chest like a stone. His spotter freaked out and pulled desperately to get the bar off his chest while "Dave" struggled and kicked to get the weight up. It was a titanic struggle. He looked like a fish out of water with a tomato stuck on his head. That's how red in the face he was.

Finally, they got the weight up and his spotter attempted to put the bar back on the rack.

"Dave" said "What are you doing? I've got 5 more reps!"

I almost choked. This was going to be an interesting workout...

"Dave" finished off by struggling out 2 more reps, then did 2 more sets just like that (with a new spotter each time, of course - nobody in their right mind would go through that twice!). "Dave" must have learned his lesson though, because instead of letting the bar drop and stop like on his first set, this time he actually bounced the thing off his rib cage like a trampoline, arching his back like he was being electrocuted.

It was time for squats. Now, I wasn't supposed to do legs that day but I just had to see this spectacle so I did legs anyway, just to be in the area.

"Dave" put 315 pounds on the bar right away. I watched him wrap his knees and cinch his lifting belt so tight he looked like a toothpaste tube that had been squeezed in the middle.

He recruited another sucker... I mean spotter, for his first set. He stepped under the bar, unracked it, stepped back and started to lower it.

It was like putting a bowling ball on a celery stick. His legs were shaking like Elvis on 10 cups of coffee. His back was so rounded over, you could have set a dinner plate between his shoulder plates without dropping a potato. He lowered the bar exactly three inches then held his breath and began to try and come back up. No luck. His spotter stepped in, helped him back up and tried to guide him to the racks. No dice. He immediately dropped back down again. Two inches this time. I swear his knees didn't shake this time simply because they bowed in so much, they were braced up against each other!

He made his spotter do one more rep after that one, dropping only an inch on the last rep. Two more sets just like that followed.

By this time I had pretty much scrapped my workout for the day, completely out of morbid curiosity. I told the weight room attendant to dial "9" and "1" and keep their finger on the "1." His workout wasn't over yet!

"Dave" unloaded the bar then set up in the same rack for barbell curls. He put a pair of 35's on the bar, which he had no business even doing for the "squats" he had just finished with, much less for barbell curls.

Luckily, he hadn't yet uncinched his lifting belt from the previous exercise, thereby saving precious seconds of time and, also, evidently cutting off the flow of blood to his brain.

He stepped up to the bar, took as wide a grip as I've ever seen anyone take on a bar, then lifted it to the start position. He took a deep breath and held it. Then, with totally straight and locked legs, he thrust his rear end backwards then forcefully thrust his hips forward, catapulting the bar up and off his thighs. He looked like he was trying to ring a doorbell with his hip bone.

The bar made it about halfway up before he locked his elbows and leaned back about 45 degrees to keep it moving.

Finally, the weight made it to the top. He held it there for a microsecond then dropped it heavily to his thighs.

Then he did it again. And again. And again.

The only good thing I can say about it is at least he had the decency not to subject a spotter to it this time.

I sat there wondering what he could possibly come up with for a finale and I was not disappointed.

He walked, or rather, strutted over to the pec deck and set the pin to the bottom of the weight stack.

I motioned at a few nearby people to watch this as I felt something special was coming.

He sat on the machine, arms covered in sweat. He wrestled one arm pad up to the center position. Impressive. He turned and, with Herculanean effort, wrestled the other one to the center position. Veins starting popping out and his face was beet red.

I had a feeling this was it.

I was right.

With the loudest bang I've ever heard, both his arms slipped off the pads, the weight came crashing down, and "Dave" was shot 6 feet straight out of the machine across the floor, skidding on his face right at somebody's feet.

Now, as an adult, I have never wet my pants, but I have to tell you, that moment was the closest I've ever come. That's how hard I was laughing.

I didn't see "Dave" back in that gym ever again.

The moral of the story? Big weights only look cool if you can lift them without getting shot 6 feet across the floor on your face.

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35 Pieces of Interesting Training Trivia to Make You The Life of the Party

By Nick Nilsson

Impress your friends! Impress your family! These unique

training tidbits will improve your training, health and

nutrition knowledge instantly!

1. Fit people tend to sweat more and sooner than unfit people. Their bodies are more efficient at cooling.

2. When people start training as a result of a New Year's Resolution, 60% have quit by Valentine's Day.

3. If your workout clothes smell like ammonia after a workout, you're burning a lot of protein for fuel. Ammonia is a byproduct of protein metabolism. This is not a good thing, as burning protein means you may be burning your muscle tissue for energy instead of carbohydrates or bodyfat.

4. Men tend to overestimate their strength while women tend to underestimate their strength.

5. To determine if your scale is correct, set a dumbell or a weight plate on it. If the numbers don't match, try another weight and see if it's off by the same amount. Adjust your scale accordingly.

6. Sometimes a barbell exercise causes pain while the dumbell version doesn't. This occurs most often with the bench press and the shoulder press. Dumbell don't lock your joints into a certain pattern of movement.

7. There is no evidence to support the argument that machines are safer than free weights, according to studies.

8. More bodyparts overlap in upper body training than lower body training, giving legs more recovery time. That's why you may continue to progress in leg training while your upper body plateaus.

9. High-level endurance training (e.g. marathon training) reduces testosterone levels by 15 - 40%.

10. Eating post-workout carbohydrates and protein increases Growth Hormone levels.

11. Acclimation to exercising in the heat can take about 10 to 14 days. For each two days of not exercising in heat, one day of acclimation is lost.

12. There is an indirect effect on other muscles when you work a muscle. The bigger the muscle, the greater the carryover. This is one reason you should not neglect leg training as the largest muscles in the body are found in the legs and will have the greatest impact on the rest of your body.

13. The initial adaptation to weight training is neuromuscular (in the nervous system). Your muscles are basically learning how to fire efficiently. This is why beginning trainers are often very shaky when they first start lifting weights. Their muscles haven't learned how to activate properly.

14. Holding your breath during an exercise to temporarily increase intra-abdominal pressure is called the Valsalva maneuver. While it can be effective in temporarily increasing strength and stability, it can be very dangerous, especially if you have high blood pressure. It is, with few exceptions, better to breathe while lifting.

15. Training intensity is properly measured as a percentage of a person's One Rep Max (the most weight they can lift for a single rep). A high intensity means a high percentage. It is technically not a subjective measure of effort or facial expression.

16. The best performances in strength competitions are seen in the afternoon and early evening. This may be due to increased muscle temperature later in the day. A lower temperature may increase endurance however. Endurance training may therefore be more effective when done in the morning.

17. Shorter rest periods (less than 1 minute) will result in an increase in the hormones related to muscle growth. However, lower rest periods will result in decreased strength during your workout. You will get hypertrophy (muscle growth) at the expense of strength.

18. The intestine is the single largest receptor of Growth Hormone in the body. This is why people who take frequent Growth Hormone injections often have distended (bloated) abdomens. Natural levels of Growth Hormone don't result in this effect.

19. After a high volume of aerobic work, fast-twitch muscle fibers (the larger more powerful fibers) can act like slow-twitch muscle fibers (the smaller, more endurance-oriented fibers). This doesn't work the other way, though. If your goal is to gain muscle, decrease the frequency of your aerobic work. The converted fast-twitch muscles can revert to their original form after about 4 to 8 months of aerobic detraining.

20. The hormone Insulin signals the body that there is enough sugar in the blood to be burned for energy. This prevents the fat cells from releasing fat. The hormone Glucagon, which unlocks fat stores, can't be released when insulin is present.

21. The number of fat cells in our body is predetermined by genetics, however, prolonged overfeeding can cause fat cells to split into more cells, especially during the teen years. The more you have, the more you have available to fill up and the greater your potential for obesity.

22. Men have about 18 times higher levels of testosterone than women. Men with higher natural testosterone levels gain muscle faster. People who have a harder time gaining muscle have lower testosterone levels.

23. The more deficient you are in vitamins and minerals the more of an effect you will notice from supplementation. Be careful not to overdo it and take too much though.

24. Strenuous exercise can double mineral loss. Increased sweating is a major cause of this.

25. Vitamin capsules are generally better than tablets as tablets can be compressed so hard as to be indigestible.

26. Minerals that enhance sleep, recovery, healing, regeneration and growth like zinc and magnesium should be taken on an empty stomach before bed. The body's maximum daily release of Growth Hormone occurs 90 minutes into sleep. Zinc and magnesium may increase the effects of G.H. and peak absorption of these minerals occurs after 90 minutes. Take 20-30 mg of zinc and 400-500mg of magnesium.

27. Sodium and calcium are removed via the same mechanism in the body therefore when you increase your sodium intake, your body strives to maintain balance by excreting more sodium. When 1 molecule of sodium goes, it takes a molecule of calcium with it. This can decrease bone mass in the long term. If you have osteoporosis or wish to prevent it, decrease your sodium intake.

28. Be careful what you eat grapefruit with. Naringin (an enzyme found in grapefruits - also called naringenin) may increase the power of some drugs. It deactivates enzymes in your stomach that normally break down drugs. When mixed with alcohol, test subjects ended up with four times more alcohol in the blood.

29. Canned grapefruit juice contains twice the naringin (see above) of fresh grapefruit.

30. Many people are overweight because they are malnourished. Their body craves nutrients so they are hungry. What they eat doesn't supply the nutrients they need so they are still hungry. Empty-calorie food is the culprit.

31. 20% of the calories in protein are used for digestion and assimilation. 8% of the calories of carbs are used. The number is only 2% for fat.

32. Alcohol acts as a direct toxin to type 2 fast-twitch fibers, though it doesn't affect slow twitch fibers much. It increases protein breakdown and decreases IGF-1 levels in blood and muscles.

33. Alcohol (even a little) before sleep inhibits Growth Hormone secretion by up to 75%.

34. Reduce your alcohol intake if you are interested in weight loss. One bottle of wine equals one six pack of beer. It can add 625 to 1100 calories to your diet. It is also very easily stored as fat.

35. Two bananas a day for a week can reduce blood pressure 10%, due to their high potassium content.

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